foto: Doris Markač

The deepest and most merciless loneliness I have ever fallen into happened during the days after your birth. The weeks that followed were not any better either. Even more, a hopeless feeling grew deeper by the fear of having to let you go from my embrace and to remain alone. Alone with my sadness.
December nights were never as cold as were those when you were born. The early mornings that came did not provide any relief. Oppositely, I searched for comfort in the nights, convinced that in the next morning everything would be different. That by then I would hold a child not destined to die. That I would be like any other happy mom in the maternity hospital and that people would be happy for me. But in reality they did not know what to say. It felt like we were alone, completely alone. Till then I never knew how to listen, when all around me were quiet.
You were – just like any other baby – peaceful. Even when you were gasping for air. Or when you were lying peacefully and I could see you life leaving your body. Have you ever felt being different? Do you miss walking, talking or having eyes that could see? Tell me; is my sight blinded by my love as I do not see you as so very frail for me not to be able to love you just the way you are? I stare into the beauty you brought with you and I cannot help but melt by your laughter. You are so pure! You simply live without a need to convince, boast or prove yourself. You let yourself being carried around, getting your diapers changed, getting dressed and fed. I might be dead tired, but your embrace is so invigorating as if you were trying to fill me up with endless source of energy and thus giving me the power to do everything and enabling me to never fall apart when being with you.
It seems as though these past nine years have flown away. Our journey has transformed from endless sadness into a rollercoaster ride. How wonderful is travelling with you, even though I take you only as far as to see the sunset in the Brda hills and rather than let the snow fall on you, keep you inside where you dance with joy under your moving light and by the music which must be playful enough for your taste. In all this time we are the happiest on our home couch, where your brother and sister tuck you in. When your dad kisses you and teases you with his beard, whilst you try to defend yourself with your hands and simultaneously laugh. Admit it, we are happy. So much that I could not have imagined it in my most hidden dreams. Sometimes it seems as though we are too different from one another. Yet, you know that each of us has that common diversity that we simply cannot accept the simple normality.
When you will be saying good bye, I will hold you in my arms and with a heavy heart let you go. And when I will be leaving, I will no longer be afraid, because we have died together so many times that by now we know that we are a lonesome twosome.

 

foto: Doris Markač

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